For most of my life as a Christian I`ve been miserable. After 20 years of being a Christian, I realized that I was not happy. I was very devout. I know the Scriptures fairly well. I was probably the ‘best Christian’ I knew. However, I was an ass in my daily life (just ask my wife and kids). I felt angry, unfulfilled and unsatisfied with my spirituality.

I never seemed to attain this vision that was in my head as to the way I thought my Christianity was supposed to look. It often felt as though the pursuit of God was like chasing a mirage. Not long ago I realized that this picture of my spirituality was my own imagination playing tricks on me. God wasn`t asking me to be the ‘super-apostle’ that I thought I should be. God freed me to just be. I didn`t have to prove anything. He loves me the way I am, and I can just relax a little more.

20 years of seeking God, but it hardly ever impacted my daily existence. It was always something untouchable, just out of reach. It was like I was trying to live in the life to come or in some other plane of reality, but had no idea how to live on this planet. I didn`t enjoy life in the here and now. I constantly wallowed in the past and obsessed about the future. My search for meaning led me to a dark place. Well, things are changing for me now. God is teaching me to enjoy the moment and embrace where I am and who I am. I’m leaving the future up to Him. For me, dreaming can be a dangerous thing. The picture in my head is always better than what I`m doing today, and so I get discouraged about life. But I`m learning that obsessing over my life is just a lack of trust in God. This thought from

Ecclesiastes 6:9 sums up what’s happening with me:
Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don`t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless, like chasing the wind.

I`m letting go and embracing this life that I have. I`m eager to discover the beauty in this world and to learn more about a variety of subjects. My blog will change to reflect this. I hope to blog often, so please don`t give up on me yet.
from the blog at http://www.paulvieira.info/blog/24/I've-been-miserable-Christian